Monday, February 9, 2015

Ministry of Motherhood

Take one to school. 
Go home and do the dishes and a load of laundry. 
Shower since you didn't shower yesterday. 
Take another one to the doctor. 
Get the other two something for lunch since you were at the doctor's office way too long. 
Hurry home to eat before putting one down for a short nap before getting the one from school. 
Try to make sense of the day planner while sitting in the carpool line.
Read with the kindergartner.
Change two of their diapers. 
Straighten the house before getting everyone dressed. 
Take one to basketball practice. 
Get home to preheat the oven for a Tombstone pizza because you failed to prepare dinner. 
Feed everyone. 
Give showers. 
Pick up (again). 
Sit down. 

That was my day today. Go, go, go. It's similar to that every day which is fine. I am so glad I get to stay home with our boys. I really am. Most days I go to bed physically spent but I am able to genuinely thank God for the four little gifts he has given us.

I am ending today feeling physically drained and defeated. I am sure no one can relate but I have had a day where I wonder if I am making any difference at all in their lives. I feel like I said "no" five thousand and one times. I raised my voice way too many times which accomplishes nothing really. I don't know that I spoke truth into anyone's life. I spoke threats of early bedtimes and feel like the, "I love you" at the end of the night was said out of obligation. I do love them. I love them like I never imagined I could love anyone but some days I could lock myself in my room and scream. Am I the only one?

And I sit and wonder how many times God has wanted to shut the door and scream at my stubbornness, lack of obedience, defiance. Oh my goodness. When I think about the grace that I have received I can't help but parallel that with how I am to discipline and love my children. Grace, grace, grace, That's it. It sounds so easy but it's hard to flesh out. 

"Mommy! He said a bad word!" 
"I pooped in my pants."
"I spilled my milk." 
"I don't like what you put in my lunchbox." 
"I wish Daddy was home." 

I get one shot at this motherhood thing. I get one chance to love them and point them to Jesus. One chance. No pressure, right?! I want my children to love Jesus but I can't expect them to desire that if I tell them about Jesus one minute then yell, sigh, and roll my eyes the next minute. In every act of discipline and every teaching opportunity I have, I need to be leading them to the cross. 

While I was writing this I looked through the pictures on my phone because it never fails that one of them gets a hold of my phone and takes two hundred of the most random pictures ever (the carpet, a cup, legs of the kitchen table, etc). I found this...

I am going to bed feeling physically drained and defeated but this proves that at some point today we were happy. I may feel like I have failed as a mother today but these boys love me. They trust me. They need me to be the best mommy I can be. And they deserve that. 

Zeph. 3:17